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News Editor (whatever that is) at @empiremagazine, host of the Empire Podcast, and all-round Q&A-hole. It's ok. I wouldn't follow me either.

773 Following   20,387 Followers   49,363 Tweets

Joined Twitter 2/11/09

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Once on April 1st, my parents changed all the clocks in the house, dumped me at school an hour early, then drove off laughing.
Retweeted by Chris HewittTo clarify: if you do an April Fool after noon, does your nose drop off, or does your tongue turn into a tiger's tail? Asking for a friend.@LukeWhiston There's a bit more demonic possession in Insidious, but generally it checks out.@LukeWhiston That is amazing. AMAZING. Happy belated birthday, btw!@hollandizzle @BMW_UK Dr Uwe Gotobekidin is one of the best minds in his field.@halksmush Don't you dare. Don't you bloody dare.@MatCro Thanks for the heads up!@MatCro Not at all. I'd never seen that done before on here, and I really like the concept. But I can't figure out how to do it because duh.@MatCro Absolutely, Mat. Capital idea. Simply capital.@MatCro Ooh, I like this idea. Once I figure out how to do this, I'll be unstoppable! *is immediately stopped*@DJFrankiePigeon Noooooo! Z'Dar! Very sad.@Scientits @ehdannyboy I'm very sorry for your loss.[pigeon meeting] "Big day today, boys. Stumpy; you shit on statues. Manky; you join the 10,000 others in the square & I'll just walk around"
Retweeted by Chris HewittLooks like I picked the wrong day to confirm that I have a big willy.RIP Grandad. 6 years ago today you were taken from us by a heart attack that sadly, we didn't believe you were having. Sorry again x
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@charlieconnelly @TeaAndCopy In fairness, that's every day for me.In Furious 8, Vin Diesel just drives an explosion.
Retweeted by Chris HewittHats off to @Walkers_Crisps for their April Fool. I thought I'd won money but it was just salt! Totally fooled me! http://t.co/hzMFNrvyHC
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@_GrahamPatrick No, wait! I was only kidding! It was an APRIL FOOL! I bet you feel incredibly foolish now.@_GrahamPatrick Fuck you. I just punched my boss because Friday is Punch Your Boss Day, and now I've been fired.@rickburin An eagle just stole my Bible. Just like that. Flew off with it in its beak.@rickburin It can't wait. It literally just happened and I can't believe it.Guys! You'll never believe this, but something has happened that seems unlikely and maybe even outlandish, but it definitely happened!Hi, I'm Christopher Columbus and this is Jackass *destroys an entire population along with its culture, religion, and traditions*
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt"Get off of Twitter." I'm running a contest! "You're married to ME, not Twitter." I didn't know there would BE Twitter when I married you!
Retweeted by Chris HewittComedy is getting out of hand. How dare these people say what they say. The government should form a committee to decide what can be said.
Retweeted by Chris HewittHey guys, hey guys, there is no April Fools' Day this year, because the Mayor just called and he told me we're skipping April and going stra
4/1
2015
@edwardllewelyn I have never seen anyone give them money.They just followed it up with a version of Sweet Child O'Mine that would make Axl Rose spin in his cocoon.The shit busker now has a shit backing singer. Their take on Everybody Hurts would make Michael Stipe get out of his car and go for a walk.Chas & Dave - Snooker Loopy 7" on yellow, green, brown, blue, pink and black colour ways. Ltd to 147 copies #RSD15 #exclusive
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@McKelvie @BBW_BFF Jamie, your selfies are getting out of control.@RachaelPriorMBE Abhorrent.@RachaelPriorMBE What the actual fuck. No, Twitter. No.@recesnap I cannot say. I had two belters tonight actually. Again, that's in reference to interviews, not sex.I tried making biscuits & gravy like all the Americans said, but it was fucking horrible. Don't bother trying it. http://t.co/a4nW6BNYhQ
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@Loki_Lego YOU CAN DO IT!@GeorgeSeabrook No, as in the interview was cracking. Just finished an interview. Yep.Was working on a good cop/Color Me Badd cop joke, but thought it was best for humanity that I didn't go through with it.Got that post-cracking interview buzz. It's better than writing about sex.@ajyates33 @empiremagazine @AliPlumb @KermodeMovie Oh, that's a really fun idea for Periscope. Well done, sorry I missed it.Baby Driver is edging closer. Excellent.The Daily Show are going to have a field day with this Trevor Noah appointment.
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@Jimfam Holy shit, that's amazing! Well done, sir!@ChrisHewitt Please RT our Ready2Rumble performance so we can get it seen by @antanddec https://t.co/irSkHYQqEW http://t.co/VBe7mOg8qM
Retweeted by Chris Hewittstill laughing at Daft Punk sitting there with demented fucking bunnets on https://t.co/hhflqkP9Vu
Retweeted by Chris HewittLoving this new live Twitter game show, What's In My Fridge?Judging from that trailer, it seems Fury Road isn't playing in competition at Cannes just to give all the other movies a chance.NONE OF US could withstand the scrutiny we're applying to @trevorhoah. This is why we can't have nice things https://t.co/6N7meiYooi
Retweeted by Chris HewittThe new Fury Road trailer is a frighteningly realistic depiction of the Piccadilly Line in the mornings. http://t.co/RCxDMdnH9uTony Stark builds a robot that overreacts when he reads one of Tony's anti-robot joke tweets from 2011 in AVENGERS:OUTRAGE OF ULTRON
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@milesSI But they're an ephemeral thing! They don't go anywhere!@milesSI Ditto. Only maybe not quite as many as 25. Working is FUN!@TheTessMorris @chrismcquarrie Hands, Tess. Hands. They're like feet for your arms.Also good to see @HelenLOHara writing for The Pool. Smart move, @laurenlaverne. Smart move.Just dipped my toe into @thepooluk. Metaphorically, you see, I didn't just thump my foot against the monitor. Anyway, the water's lovely!@thepunningman So sorry for your loss, Sean. And that's damn good advice. Be a hugger.@ScottFilmCritic No. I won't believe it. I don't believe it. I can't believe it.A graph that charts Sam Waterston's eyebrow growth, year-on-year.@TheTessMorris @chrismcquarrie Can I do the foreword? I had a handshake nightmare with Nicole Kidman that will haunt me forever.#TastyTuesday: Meet the @CadburyUK Creme Egg cheesecake! http://t.co/Y9Hp632tGM http://t.co/aU8fexAq1S
Retweeted by Chris HewittHere's that @TaronEgerton's Empire Awards acceptance speech. Never mind the words, look at that AMAZING camerawork! http://t.co/xC9KxDasSZIs it not raining? I hadn't not noticed.I only allow myself one chocolate bar per week. http://t.co/pic3ibgUfl
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt[Mr Shameless Bump enters] Ow! "What is it?" - I've hit my head on a shameless bump. DOCTOR: You colossal bellend, Mr Shameless Bump.@k1mani That's very nice of you to say. I should warn you that I tend to pee on your spirit rug.@RyanPeile Oooh... Tell me more. I'm interested, but a Monday night kick-off might be tricky. Email me: chris@empiremagazine.com - thanks!@MikeMorrisonLT No, what I mean is, it's several days late.Finally knocked an absolute bastard of a feature into shape after several days of pleading with it to not be shit. @DanJolin will hate it.@felicitykate Just one pod.I write a lot of my best tweets when I'm dreaming. But I forget them all by the time I wake up, so I have to make do with this shit instead.GOD: What is THAT? NOAH: A clown car GOD: There's no way - [Watches as endless stream of animals enter car] GOD: [Whispers] It's a miracle
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@mrnickharvey @Pundamentalism I'll add it to my slate.Mr Strong Opinions About Stuff That Doesn't Concern Me #TwitterMrMen
Retweeted by Chris HewittMr Rush To Judgement. #TwitterMrMenMr Shameless Bump. #TwitterMrMen@mrnickharvey @Pundamentalism Is this why you didn't do that interview with me at 11pm? *rips up questions in a fit of pique*You have to love Matt in @Telegraph today http://t.co/SSrmhoyKC4
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@ManMadeMoon Dear God, Stan... No. NO.I aspire to to reach the position these men did. http://t.co/fiFLDPkjMe
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@threadnz @Pundamentalism Oh, thank God for that. *goes back to bed*@Pundamentalism It's so bad I'm even 'sleep replying'. The other day my wife found me in the kitchen, a perfectly composed tweet in my hand.@mikeryan Chet is Hooch. Wait, hang on a sec...@Pundamentalism Let's just agree to disagree: we're both asleep.@mikeryan I smell a CBS sitcom.This is your 5:54 alarm tweet.
3/31
2015
Hans Zimmer knocked it out of the park tonight at Interstellar Live. http://t.co/gayFM32erGStephen Hawking starting off the evening at Interstellar live http://t.co/S4nB8P19cF
Retweeted by Chris Hewitt@Jaynesharp @ChilternWarrior Fantastic! Well done. I'm tired just looking at those pics.Lot of Periscopers are seemingly hellbent on showing people what's in their fridges. Jeffrey Dahmer would love this app.@MarkMcFadden Why is NetChix not a thing?Anyone who thinks Noah was able to build an ark big enough to fit two blue whales on it is an absolute idiot.
Retweeted by Chris HewittMight livestream my chicken dinner tomorrow on Periperiscope.MAN: I wish Twitter sketches were consistent with how they portray dialogue. "Me too" - It really gets on my nerves. Tell me about it.@mrnickharvey You never picked up. This interview is CANCELLED!@mrnickharvey I'm avoiding prep for an 11pm interview... Yikes.House Of Fools is DESTROYING me tonight.@SummerRay I WILL ALWAYS HAVE INDIGESTIONJust read out the back of a packet of Gaviscon LIVE ON PERISCOPE, so if you're not following me there, you bloody well should be.@lennyukdeejay I'm on top of it. I'm all over it.
3/30
2015
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